This word stung me like a slap across the face that still smarts an hour later. Heat rushed to my face and humiliation to my heart. I’d asked her to pray for someone who’d transgressed against me, whom I was struggling desperately to forgive, someone who at that very moment was struggling in the realm of purgatory: falling, rising, then falling again.
It had been a hard struggle to absorb that the hell I’d been told about as a child existed. God had appeared to me once in trance and dismissed with a wave of his hand all the restrictions on human behaviors which religion had taught me were sinful. It seemed to hold no weight with him whatsoever, as he explained that we have our human energy we need to release, that he created in us when he made us, and that those things we did to do so were fine. Rock ‘n’ roll, motorcycles, dancing, martial arts, screaming at airplanes, snowboarding, rock-em sock-em robots, what have you. All of it was fine, it was part of being human.
Now I was having experiences of my own with hell. Over the course of several years I was prodded to go into some level of the hells, wrapped in the protection of Sol, or Jesus, to see this person who had transgressed against me. I remember a spirit having told me that if I did not forgive this person they would go to “a place where their soul would be destroyed” and that I would have to go in there and get them, since I was “the one that put them there”. Having had a sense a few times with the very bottom level of hell where the entities called ‘demons’ resided I found it terrifying and was willing to do anything to avoid this. I will go into detail in later blogs about the different levels I found; they vary a bit and I have no idea if there are more and if so how many. I believe our cultural knowledge used to be much greater about the afterlife but apocalyptic religion has destroyed so much human knowledge and replaced it with so much fiction that we don’t understand what hell is or why it exists, and if we will end up there or not.
As we evolve in our human knowledge to understand that we review our own lives upon death, with help from a loving, kind spiritual entity, there is also accruing much evidence right now that those levels in hell and/or purgatory have to do with feelings of such heaviness about our own behavior in our prior life that they are literally too dense to allow the spirit or soul to remain in heaven, so they sink, or fall, to lower levels of the spirit world. This is the situation my transgressor was in, and their crime was a very serious one. I struggled to forgive them, and I struggled to stay in a forgiving state of mind, which seemed herculean to me in its requirement for my strength.
So I’d asked her to pray for me, for him, for forgiveness in my heart, self-forgiveness in his. Her cavalier dismissal felt like someone spitting in my face. In my religion of birth, if someone asks you to pray for them, you do it. Not so in hers. I went into trance on the dissociative, my heart shattered as much by her cruelty as by the knowledge that this was someone I could never again consider being romantically involved with, which had been my desire, since such cruelty was not something I could ever again invite willingly into my life.
It began to get bright, very bright. I saw Jesus in his robe and sandals, smiling, radiating beautiful happiness as was always his manner, clear child-like joy beaming out of him. I had wondered, when her word stung my skin, did the Gods feel this way, did Sol feel this way about me, truly, were they just hiding their true feelings about my secular and (legal) drug induced traipsing through the spiritual world. Was I really as inferior to them as my religion of birth dictated, because of my rejection of the doctrine of man and my determination to search for the True Gods and the true meaning of holiness?
Jesus opened the door of my bedroom and began to push bubbles of sunlight into my bedroom. It began to grow brighter and brighter with each bubble, the bubbles of his sunshine reminded me of the ones that people wave around in the salt air at the beach, the massive bubble wands with their soap-water skin that split the sunlight into shiny prisms of primary colors all over their sleek surfaces. These were enormous yellow orbs of sunshine, which he kept pushing past my bedroom door one after another. Brighter and brighter my room grew; in fact it became so bright that i had to look away from the source of the light. The feeling was so radiant and joyful that I knew this was his answer; the word ‘heathen’ held no weight with him. Though her religion was orthodox and devout and based on judgement, His religion was love, pure and simple. He loved me, just as I was, he made clear sunshine was his love, his way of loving the entire human race, day in and day out, no matter what.
The next day when I awoke in my bed with the sun streaming into my room I felt forever changed. The issue was not her judgemental response to someone who’d simply asked for prayer. The lesson in this instance was Sol’s love for the entire world, that the visible universe IS God, IS love, IS holy, something the ancient polytheists knew but that has been lost to humanity under the conquest and control of the apocalyptic abrahamic faiths. The reason there is so much sun symbology in christianity is because quite simply Sol existed before Jesus and when the rabbi was canonized and then deified by human doctrine, Sol’s traits were given to him in an amalgamation of christianity and polytheism. The sun God was already revered and in fact Constantine was still printing coins adorned by Sol Invictus, the Roman sun god, long after his purported conversion (which history suggests was political at best). From reading NDE’s I knew that when people had events traumatic enough to cause them to leave their bodies, the Gods that they experienced in their moments of fear were always the Gods of their own culture or religion. The Gods do not traumatize people and they accept what has been forced on us as doctrine in our human experience and meet us where we are, they do not confront us with spiritual truths we are not capable of assimilating. This is why the deity pushing sunshine into my room appeared to me as Jesus this time, to make the link once and for all.
I was so comforted the next morning that I just lay in bed and let the sunlight stream all over me. “This is it”, I thought, today, tomorrow and every day. This is the true religion, the only religion there is…the visible Gods of the sky, the stars, our star, Sol, renamed and re-envisioned in one culture after another after another. Regardless of how he appears, he wants me to know his true belief, his true nature, is love. Nothing more, and nothing less than that. I didn’t even care about her word anymore. I was loved, heathen or not, as was the whole world, every single day, by this magnificent star, and every ray of sunlight that ever touched me and ever will is evidence of this.